Originally broadcast on BFM 89.9 – The Business Station: 🎙️ Listen to the Full Conversation: Sheila Singam discusses How to Handle Difficult People at Work on BFM 89.9’s Raise Your Game podcast with Freda Liu. (Run time: 31:06 mins). Published on 25 September 2017.
We have all known that heavy, sinking feeling on a Sunday evening—the familiar knot tightening in the pit of your stomach as you brace for another exhausting week. You find yourself mentally playing out conversations before they even happen, preparing for the inevitable passive-aggressive comment, the sudden angry outburst, or the relentless nitpicking that leaves you feeling small and demoralised.
When workplace relationships turn toxic, our immediate instinct is to protect ourselves by labelling the other individual as a “difficult person”. But in my years as an executive coach working with leaders across every level, I have seen how that label unintentionally locks us into a corner. The moment we decide someone is simply “difficult”, we give away our personal power and accept that we are helpless to change the dynamic.
The truth is, while we cannot force someone else to change their behaviour, we possess absolute control over our own emotional state and reactions. By applying simple Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) principles, we can break out of these reactive patterns, establish healthy boundaries, and master how to handle difficult people without sacrificing our peace of mind or our professional purpose.
Key Takeaways
- Separate Person from Action: Focus on addressing difficult behaviours rather than writing off individuals.
- Be a Thermostat: Dictate the emotional climate of your workplace instead of reacting to it.
- Seek the Positive Intention: Identify the unmet needs or insecurities driving hostile conduct.
- Master Perceptual Positions: Step into the other person’s context before attempting to resolve a conflict.
- Enforce Healthy Boundaries: Use a neutral tone to state clearly what is and is not acceptable.
1. Separate the Person from the Behaviour
In NLP, one of our most fundamental premises is that a person is not their behaviour.
When you label someone as a “difficult person,” your brain naturally triggers a fight-or-flight response. You view them as an insurmountable wall, which makes you want to run away or write off the relationship entirely.
The Mindset Shift in NLP
Old self-talk: “This is a difficult person.”
Result: Helplessness, avoidance, escalation.
Reframed perspective: “This person is currently behaving in a difficult way.”
Result: Hope, agency, potential for change.
When you separate the human being from the action, you create space for hope and constructive dialogue. You stop viewing them as an enemy and begin observing their conduct objectively.
“I can make you a cake. I can make you Nasi Lemak or even a cocktail. But I can’t make you angry.”
— Sheila Singam
External circumstances and challenging personalities cannot upset or demoralise us unless we give them permission to do so. Your reaction is always your choice.
2. Thermostat vs. Thermometer: Operating at Cause
In any high-pressure corporate environment, you have two choices for how you show up:
- The Thermometer (Operating at Effect): You simply record the temperature of the room. If a colleague is volatile or cold, you absorb that negative energy, get defensive, and let it ruin your day. You react passively to whatever is thrown at you.
- The Thermostat (Operating at Cause): You proactively set the temperature of the room. Regardless of how others act, you decide how you will respond, maintaining your composure and guiding the emotional tone of the interaction.
| Operating at Effect | Operating at Cause |
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When we operate at effect, we whinge about how others treat us. When we operate at cause, we ask ourselves, ‘What can I do to impact this relationship positively?’. Curious about how to reclaim your personal power? Explore my article: Who is Driving Your Bus? Operating at Cause Instead of Effect.
3. Uncover the Positive Intention Behind Every Behaviour
It might sound counterintuitive, but behind every human behaviour—no matter how disruptive—there is a positive intention for the person performing it.
People rarely wake up in the morning planning to destroy workplace harmony. Often, toxic conduct is driven by an underlying lack of self-esteem or self-confidence. As the saying goes, hurting people hurt other people.
Consider a manager who constantly micro-manages, shouts, or pulls rank. Deep down, that leader may feel deeply insecure about their own capabilities. They throw their authority around to hide their vulnerabilities.
Decoding Difficult Behaviour
Surface Behaviour: Yelling, micro-managing and arrogance.
Probable Hidden Struggle: Search for control, fear of failure and deep internal insecurity
If you meet their aggression with equal force, you trigger a power struggle. But if you identify their hidden need—such as recognition or reassurance—and fulfil it constructively, you can transform their behaviour entirely.
4. Practical NLP Case Studies: Real-World Solutions
To see how these concepts function in practice, let us examine three real-world coaching scenarios.
Case Study 1: The “Uncooperative” Colleague
The Challenge: A customer service executive came to me feeling deeply stressed. She claimed her backend colleague refused to support her with client requests, sabotaging her workflow. She insisted the relationship was beyond repair.
The NLP Intervention (Perceptual Positions): I asked her to step out of her own perspective and physically role-play her colleague’s role. By stepping into his shoes, she suddenly realised he wasn’t just ignoring her; he was single-handedly supporting five warehouses and dozens of frantic staff members. He was completely overwhelmed.
Perceptual Positions Process:
1st Position (Self): See the problem from your own emotional view.
2nd Position (Other): Step into the other person’s shoes & context.
3rd Position (Observer): Analyse the interaction from a neutral standpoint
The Outcome: Her tone and body language softened immediately. Instead of approaching him with demands, she altered her strategy. She began greeting him warmly without making immediate demands. Through consistent, positive interactions, the tension dissolved, and a collaborative partnership emerged.
Case Study 2: The Family Pressure & Boundary Breakdown
The Challenge: A young professional felt overwhelmed by constant, unsolicited criticism from extended family members regarding her job, appearance, and personal choices. Unable to afford to move out, she was on the verge of an emotional breakdown.
The NLP Intervention (Neutral Feedback): Many of us are conditioned never to speak up, confusing assertion with hostility. I coached her to step into the “3rd Position”—a completely neutral observer—and establish clear boundaries without dropping into sarcasm or emotional defensiveness.
Setting A Neutral Boundary
Step 1: Pause and disengage from emotional reaction.
Step 2: Use a calm, neutral tone of voice.
Step 3: State the boundary clearly without sarcasm.
The Outcome: By delivering calm, matter-of-fact statements like, “Thank you for your feedback, but I would prefer we do not discuss my weight,” she reclaimed her personal power. When you calmly refuse to accept unwanted emotional baggage, people eventually learn to respect your borders.
Case Study 3: The Aggressive, Disrespectful Boss
The Challenge: An executive worked under a superior who routinely shouted profanities, made inappropriate comments, and humiliated employees during meetings. The workplace environment had become completely toxic, directly violating the executive’s core personal values.
The NLP Intervention (Rapport & Courageous Conversations): Remaining in a toxic environment without taking action severely impacts your physical and mental health. Prolonged stress leads to psychological dis-ease and bodily illness. I advised him to invite his boss for a private, off-site conversation to address the boundary violation from a place of professional rapport.
The Toxic Atmosphere Cascade
1. Unaddressed Toxic Environment
2. Internal Conflict & Stress
3. Lowered Immunity & Mental Strain (“Dis-ease”)
4. Action: Speak Up or Step Away
The Outcome: You do not need to be aggressive to set a firm standard. By addressing the behaviour privately—stating clearly that profanity is unacceptable while remaining open to constructive work feedback—you compel the other party to acknowledge their conduct. If an environment remains irredeemably toxic despite your best efforts, operating at cause means having the courage to walk away.
Transformation Starts with You
Managing difficult relationships is rarely about winning an argument or forcing someone else to back down. It is about holding firmly to your self-worth, understanding the hidden drivers behind human action, and stepping up as a thermostat in your professional life.
As Mahatma Gandhi famously said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Do not wait for colleagues or leaders to alter their habits. Take the initiative, adjust your approach, and watch how your workplace relationships transform.
Frequently Asked Questions
How to handle difficult people who refuse to change their behaviour?
You cannot force another person to change. Focus entirely on what you can control: your reactions, your boundaries, and your non-verbal communication. When you change your response pattern, you disrupt the existing dynamic, forcing the other person to adapt to the new boundary you have set.
What is the fastest way to de-escalate an angry colleague?
Pay close attention to your tone of voice and physiology. Lower your pitch, slow your speaking tempo, and maintain neutral body language. Match their need for acknowledgement without adopting their aggression, and ask clarifying questions to help them move from an emotional state to a logical one.
What is the difference between speaking up and talking back?
Talking back stems from an emotional, defensive reaction (operating at effect) and often includes sarcasm or retaliatory anger. Speaking up comes from a neutral, grounded position (operating at cause). It involves stating facts and personal boundaries clearly, calmly, and respectfully, without seeking to hurt the other party.
